How to get a dragon to babysit for you

Happy Birthday, Jess!

1) Take off your giant gold hoops and give them to the dragon. Tell him if he will wait just a few hours for you to run and grab a needle, you’ll come back and pierce a couple of his scales so he can wear them too. But you can’t leave unless he will let the baby sleep in one of his wings.

2) Wear your heels most glittered. Say to the lusting dragon, “Do you think your toes could look as spectacular as my feet?” Put a heel on each toe. When the dragon can’t walk, set your 2 year old on the couch and say, “She’s just learning to walk too. She knows lots of tricks, she can teach you!”

3) Tattoo a T-Rex across your back. Dragons and t-rexes were close friends and sometimes lovers, because when you’re a creature like none other, you’re friends with anyone who doesn’t run screaming. When the dragon notices your back, tell her your baby will grow up with one too, because you are spreading the honor of T-Rexes afar. But her back is so sensitive right now, because it’s growing, would the dragon hold her for awhile?

4) Tell the dragon about how much gold there is in prison. All the people in there, they’re kept there to mine it. Because society doesn’t want to figure out better illusions of prosperity provided by a stash of gold miners. (Don’t tell the dragon about the illusions part). My baby will get the miners to tell you what walls you have to rip out to find the gold, take her with you! Just promise to bring her back before you fall asleep over your treasures.


Published by kris gebhard

Kris (pronouns they/them) is a clinical psychologist, poet, percussionist, and gardener currently residing in Chicago, IL.

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